Thursday, March 3, 2011
Saturday, November 6, 2010
The Sympathetic Other Woman
This continues a feature of my website.
age =: 50
name for married lover: Ken
make up a name for you: Lucinda
how did your relationship get started =: We were each other's first bf/gf in high school, moving to the first year of college, then broke up. We reconnected on Facebook.
how long did it last =: Started February 2009 and ongoing -- so far a year and 9 months
how did it end =: ongoing
would you do it again = : Yes
never done this before =: He did say he has never done this before and I believe that. I have no reason to suspect that it's not true.
did he have any kids =: He has one child -- a teenager. No, he has not said that he is staying married for his child. I would rather there were no children involved, but I am at least grateful there's only one older one.
did you know his wife before or gret to know her?: No
did you ever contact his wife = : No, I've never contacted his wife.
spend a lot of money on you =: He's spent a pretty good chunk of money on opportunities for us to get together. He's spent money on gifts for me personally, but mostly smaller ones -- flowers on my birthday, silver earrings, books, etc.
what did he promise you =: He wants us to never lose contact or the friendship and emotional intimacy. He wants this part to be lifelong.
did you want to marry him or just have the affair =: I would like to marry him, but I know it's nearly impossible. I haven't pressed him to get divorced. That wouldn't work.
are you still in contact with him = : Yes.
did you have an abortion or a child =: No
did you date others =: I haven't but I need to start doing this pretty soon.
what advice would you give someone who is considering an affair? = : I don't think it's something most people "consider." I think it is a question of emotions and mutual needs/desires.
I think my main advice would be to make sure you find out exactly what you need and expect from the relationship and not to settle for any less than that. Be direct about your needs and spell them out early on. Don't be coy or embarassed about what you want or expect. If the married partner can't meet those needs, get out of the relationship as early as you know they are not going to be met. Don't become emotionally hooked on someone who will not give you what you need. Continually re-evaluate what you need and articulate the new needs, if they change.
Be sure you keep the relationship secret. Don't let the BW or BH find out about it.
Keep looking for someone to have a monogamous committed relationship with, if that's what you wanted before you met the married man. Don't expect him to leave his wife; it's super-unlikely. It has been known to happen, but people have been known to win the lottery too and the odds are pretty high in both cases.
what advice would you give a wife whose husband was having an affair =: Don't compromise on what you want. If you wanted a faithful husband and now you don't have one, it really is time to leave. That's your ethics and your self-esteem. It isn't a good idea to compete with another woman for something you never wanted in the first place. If you win the competition (and you will) you'll regret it later.
If you aren't making love to your husband or connecting with him emotionally, you need to start, double-quick. If you are doing this, and he's having an affair anyways, then it's not you, it's him. And if it's him, you have to ask if you can stand that too.
If you want to stop the affair and keep the marriage, it's easy. There are all kinds of books on the subject and most of the methods will work unless you are with a serial cheater. The big question is, if faithfulness was of primary importance to you when the marriage started, then why would you want to do this? Searching your mind and heart and getting the right answer to that question is more serious and far more difficult than stopping the infidelity.
why do you tnink men have affairs =: Women definitely take men for granted after a while. This isn't my first affair and I am really surprised how many women let the sex and the intimacy of love/companionship drop out of their contact with their husbands. And the irony is they expect their husbands to stay faithful anyways. Most good men do this until they absolutely can't stand the emptiness any longer.
I see him for himself, outside of his roles as a father and provider. I provide recognition for his abilities and attributes. I provide sympathy and insight when he has difficulties on his job or when he doesn't feel like he's managing his life very well. I provide opportunities for sexual intimacy where he feels free to be completely himself. Sex is a huge thing for men. It's the easiest way for them to express emotions -- a natural language of love and many other feelings. The areas we cross over for each other are sexual, emotional and intellectual. We seem to understand each other and have many similarities and things in common.
I don't think his wife is much different from me except that she's probably stopped being very engaged in her marriage relationship. And maybe she doesn't want to be, has opted out of it because of her own disappointments in him,
did you ever feel guilty about what you were doing -: I felt a pang of guilt in the beginning because of their child, but since the child has not been affected by any of this and we've succeeded in keeping the relationship very secret and segregated from his daily life, I haven't had guilty feelings. On the contrary, I'm providing some happiness and joy for someone I love, as well as for myself.
where how often regularly =: We mostly exchange emails -- either daily or several times a day, depending on the time we have and the subjects we are discussing. We also Skype for a couple hours once a week. We have met together for a few days each time, 4 times, since the affair began. Each time was in a different city -- once was near his home, once near mine and the other two times in different places. We are planning more opportunities to meet next year.
did you tel did you tell friends or relatives =: I've told a few people at work. Most are nonjudgmental or even congratulatory about it. He's shared with a few close male friends and their reactions have been the same. In addition, there have been a couple of times where he's trusted their confidentiality and they have kept it.
what did you learn =: I have had a few affairs with married men in my life -- a few casual and two very serious ones. I was also married for 12 years.
The one thing I have learned from all of it is that the experience of being in love is not given the importance it deserves in our culture. It's treated like an adolescent stage that we eventually grow out of when we get involved in the serious business of living. Love has a transformative and energizing power that is nearly impossible to resist. Once we are in love, we are capable of being our best and most powerful selves. It should be the goal of each man and woman in a marriage to keep that feeling alive. If we lose touch with the feeling and can't get it back no matter what, it really IS time to let go and move on. A long-lasting committed relationship should be "work" only up to a point. If it is all work -- and play and the joy of sharing love, rarely enter into the equation, then it has probably ceased to serve its purpose.
I personally have learned that I don't live very well without romantic love in my life. Trying to deny my need for that for 10 years was a real bad idea. Now I have this crazy, brilliant, emotional person who loves me and I feel as if I've come alive. I know the sexual part of this relationship can't last forever because I need to find someone who can make a commitment, but finding Ken and having this experience has reinforced my belief in my ability to find someone I can share a dynamic love with. It's also helped me reaffirm what I want in a relationship in the future ...
age =: 50
name for married lover: Ken
make up a name for you: Lucinda
how did your relationship get started =: We were each other's first bf/gf in high school, moving to the first year of college, then broke up. We reconnected on Facebook.
how long did it last =: Started February 2009 and ongoing -- so far a year and 9 months
how did it end =: ongoing
would you do it again = : Yes
never done this before =: He did say he has never done this before and I believe that. I have no reason to suspect that it's not true.
did he have any kids =: He has one child -- a teenager. No, he has not said that he is staying married for his child. I would rather there were no children involved, but I am at least grateful there's only one older one.
did you know his wife before or gret to know her?: No
did you ever contact his wife = : No, I've never contacted his wife.
spend a lot of money on you =: He's spent a pretty good chunk of money on opportunities for us to get together. He's spent money on gifts for me personally, but mostly smaller ones -- flowers on my birthday, silver earrings, books, etc.
what did he promise you =: He wants us to never lose contact or the friendship and emotional intimacy. He wants this part to be lifelong.
did you want to marry him or just have the affair =: I would like to marry him, but I know it's nearly impossible. I haven't pressed him to get divorced. That wouldn't work.
are you still in contact with him = : Yes.
did you have an abortion or a child =: No
did you date others =: I haven't but I need to start doing this pretty soon.
what advice would you give someone who is considering an affair? = : I don't think it's something most people "consider." I think it is a question of emotions and mutual needs/desires.
I think my main advice would be to make sure you find out exactly what you need and expect from the relationship and not to settle for any less than that. Be direct about your needs and spell them out early on. Don't be coy or embarassed about what you want or expect. If the married partner can't meet those needs, get out of the relationship as early as you know they are not going to be met. Don't become emotionally hooked on someone who will not give you what you need. Continually re-evaluate what you need and articulate the new needs, if they change.
Be sure you keep the relationship secret. Don't let the BW or BH find out about it.
Keep looking for someone to have a monogamous committed relationship with, if that's what you wanted before you met the married man. Don't expect him to leave his wife; it's super-unlikely. It has been known to happen, but people have been known to win the lottery too and the odds are pretty high in both cases.
what advice would you give a wife whose husband was having an affair =: Don't compromise on what you want. If you wanted a faithful husband and now you don't have one, it really is time to leave. That's your ethics and your self-esteem. It isn't a good idea to compete with another woman for something you never wanted in the first place. If you win the competition (and you will) you'll regret it later.
If you aren't making love to your husband or connecting with him emotionally, you need to start, double-quick. If you are doing this, and he's having an affair anyways, then it's not you, it's him. And if it's him, you have to ask if you can stand that too.
If you want to stop the affair and keep the marriage, it's easy. There are all kinds of books on the subject and most of the methods will work unless you are with a serial cheater. The big question is, if faithfulness was of primary importance to you when the marriage started, then why would you want to do this? Searching your mind and heart and getting the right answer to that question is more serious and far more difficult than stopping the infidelity.
why do you tnink men have affairs =: Women definitely take men for granted after a while. This isn't my first affair and I am really surprised how many women let the sex and the intimacy of love/companionship drop out of their contact with their husbands. And the irony is they expect their husbands to stay faithful anyways. Most good men do this until they absolutely can't stand the emptiness any longer.
I see him for himself, outside of his roles as a father and provider. I provide recognition for his abilities and attributes. I provide sympathy and insight when he has difficulties on his job or when he doesn't feel like he's managing his life very well. I provide opportunities for sexual intimacy where he feels free to be completely himself. Sex is a huge thing for men. It's the easiest way for them to express emotions -- a natural language of love and many other feelings. The areas we cross over for each other are sexual, emotional and intellectual. We seem to understand each other and have many similarities and things in common.
I don't think his wife is much different from me except that she's probably stopped being very engaged in her marriage relationship. And maybe she doesn't want to be, has opted out of it because of her own disappointments in him,
did you ever feel guilty about what you were doing -: I felt a pang of guilt in the beginning because of their child, but since the child has not been affected by any of this and we've succeeded in keeping the relationship very secret and segregated from his daily life, I haven't had guilty feelings. On the contrary, I'm providing some happiness and joy for someone I love, as well as for myself.
where how often regularly =: We mostly exchange emails -- either daily or several times a day, depending on the time we have and the subjects we are discussing. We also Skype for a couple hours once a week. We have met together for a few days each time, 4 times, since the affair began. Each time was in a different city -- once was near his home, once near mine and the other two times in different places. We are planning more opportunities to meet next year.
did you tel did you tell friends or relatives =: I've told a few people at work. Most are nonjudgmental or even congratulatory about it. He's shared with a few close male friends and their reactions have been the same. In addition, there have been a couple of times where he's trusted their confidentiality and they have kept it.
what did you learn =: I have had a few affairs with married men in my life -- a few casual and two very serious ones. I was also married for 12 years.
The one thing I have learned from all of it is that the experience of being in love is not given the importance it deserves in our culture. It's treated like an adolescent stage that we eventually grow out of when we get involved in the serious business of living. Love has a transformative and energizing power that is nearly impossible to resist. Once we are in love, we are capable of being our best and most powerful selves. It should be the goal of each man and woman in a marriage to keep that feeling alive. If we lose touch with the feeling and can't get it back no matter what, it really IS time to let go and move on. A long-lasting committed relationship should be "work" only up to a point. If it is all work -- and play and the joy of sharing love, rarely enter into the equation, then it has probably ceased to serve its purpose.
I personally have learned that I don't live very well without romantic love in my life. Trying to deny my need for that for 10 years was a real bad idea. Now I have this crazy, brilliant, emotional person who loves me and I feel as if I've come alive. I know the sexual part of this relationship can't last forever because I need to find someone who can make a commitment, but finding Ken and having this experience has reinforced my belief in my ability to find someone I can share a dynamic love with. It's also helped me reaffirm what I want in a relationship in the future ...
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